As I have done so many times before I sit down to write one of these columns,
I find myself reaching for some music. Today, Double Live seems the most
appropriate choice. Funny how we find our inspiration in the music. It keeps
us motivated, keeps us moving, keeps us dreaming. What a gift its been.
From the original "Garth Brooks" all the way
through to "The Magic of Christmas" every song has been a joy to our hearts.
Before I do anything else, I have to congratulate Brandon. You have made us
all proud. Planet Garth was the one thing I knew about the Internet before I
ever actually had a computer. I knew even then that was the place for
information. Planet Garth was the first website I visited when I became a
member of the online community. Back then, as I still
am today, I was impressed with the respect it showed to Garth.
Writing here on Planet Garth has been like a dream come true. I get to write
about the music and the man who inspires me. I get the honor of sharing it
with you. I get the privilege of having it on a website like Planet Garth. I
can’t begin to express the amount of happiness and pride that this
announcement from Garth brought me.
From the first moment Brandon approached me about writing for Planet Garth, I
have been intensely proud to be associated with this site. It's nothing but
pure class. For me, just a plain ole country girl with nothing to offer but
my words, thoughts, and feelings, I finally felt like I'd found a home.
Today, I am so proud of that "home" that words fail me. This has been a long
time coming and so well deserved. I’m not sure how this will work. I don't
know that I will be asked to remain as a fixture on Planet Garth with my
columns. I'd be lying like crazy if I said that isn't what I'd love to have
happen. But...if it doesn't happen...all I can say is the ride has been so
sweet...the memories will last me a long time and I'm forever grateful for
the time I've spent here.
Brandon thanks again for the opportunity. You took a chance on me. I know I
can be a bit of a loose cannon. God knows I have no professional training.
All I had to offer your site was my thoughts, my words, and my feelings about
a man we both admired. You were willing from the beginning to allow me the
freedom to express myself here on Planet
Garth as I saw fit. You put up with countless "woohoo’s" and talk about
stubble and swivels. You allowed me the freedom to be as serious as I needed
to be and as carefree as I wanted to be. More than one occasion you allowed
me to push the envelope with the direction my writing took me. For having
the guts to support me when I’m not always easy to stand by...thank you.
This has by far been one of the most rewarding aspects of
my life. You’ve given me a chance that I never thought a girl like me could
have. You made a dream come true and I love you for it Sugarbritches. I am
SO proud of you and for you.
Though this is a time of many emotions that I am trying so hard to sort out,
one thing keeps shining through. This is a time to be proud. Proud of PG,
proud of Brandon, and proud of Garth.
After the Opry I left Nashville with sweet memories and a case of
anticipation. For my thirty-sixth birthday, a friend was going to meet me
in Nashville for the taping of the Opry special that will be shown
Thanksgiving night. The taping would take place the 25th and I’d be turning
thirty-six on the 26th so it was a great way to celebrate. Hey what else
could I possibly want for my birthday if not Garth?
God had other plans.
The weekend before the taping we went to help clean text books and supplies
for the girls school. Their school is closed due to a health hazard of mold,
mildew, and fungus growing in the duct work of the building. High radon
levels were also found and a lot of work has to be done at the school to make
it safe for our children. A local church has volunteered its building so our
children here in Athens can get back to class. They
expect to attend classes there till at least after Thanksgiving break.
Before they could take their text books and supplies into the church,
everything had to be thoroughly cleaned with a chlorine solution. That
weekend was also Lindsey’s ninth birthday and we took her and her friends on
a hayride through the Haunted Forest. The combination of dust, hay, mold,
and mildew caused a severe asthmatic reaction. I woke up that Sunday morning
experiencing trouble breathing and things only got worse. The morning before
I was supposed to leave for Nashville, Jason came home from work with his arm
in a splint. He’d gotten in an accident at work and had been sent to the
hospital. There’s some nerve
damage in his arm from his elbow down to his fingers and its something we are
dealing with. Hopefully, things will improve soon.
I cried. I moaned. I groaned. I was so mad and so hurt and so upset. Family
is a priority and I didn’t want to leave Jason here to take care of the girls
while I was gone. I was also pretty out of it from the breathing medications
I was on. Truth be told, if everything else was fine, I still was not going
to be able to drive to Nashville for the taping. I was weak,
disoriented and having to take medicine every twenty minutes till my
breathing regulated. The taping came and went and I sat here on the couch
feeling sorry for myself. What a way to celebrate a birthday.
Even on the day of my birthday, I couldn’t be home to listen to the press
conference because I had a doctor’s appointment. Now, here’s my priorities.
I am walking through the offices seeing if anyone had the Internet on their
computer screen. I can’t breathe. I am hurting. I am complaining very
loudly to Jason that I want to hear the press conference. Do you realize how
close I came to sitting down at some secretary’s desk and connecting to
Planet Garth?
I never did find anyone with an Internet connection at the doc’s office. I
called Judy the minute I left the doctor’s office to find out what was going
on. Jason is driving down the Interstate looking at me like he’s ready to
throttle me. Judy is hollering at me over the phone, wanting to know what
the doctor said, and I am totally frustrated trying to get Judy to tell me
what is happening with the press conference. Who cares if I can breath or
not? I needed to know that Garth was okay!
We rushed home and I immediately got Planet Garth pulled up on the screen.
More frustration. I broke down in tears. My dadgummed computer would not
connect to the Press conference. I said words in those few minutes that are
generally reserved for special moments I assure you.
It wasn’t that I didn’t already know in my heart what Garth was going to
tell us. I guess I just needed to hear it from him. As much as I honestly
was prepared for it, the words "It is a good day" did little to convince me
he really felt it. I remember sitting here listening the first time
thinking, okay buddy, who you trying to convince? Us or yourself?
But, as I listened again and again and again. The reality sank in. Garth
was finally where his heart is. When Garth said, he was here today to
announce his retirement, my heart sank. I think my very insides selfishly
screamed out, "No!" Then, I rewound that section of the conference and I
listened, really listened to him talk about what he was trading this
decision for. I went from tears and heartache to tears with a smile. The
same thing that I’ve been saying to Garth for a long time now came to my
mind, be happy.
Garth will never be far from any of us. The new release of "Wild Horses" is
coming up. Hopefully, he can get us a new album around Mother’s Day next
year. "The Lamb" is still very much a possibility. Maybe a small tour to
support the new album will come to pass. Sooner or later, we all have to face
the fact that Garth needs his family time. He needs his
girls. He needs to work on himself and find that spark in that big heart of
his that he’s lost. He needs something that right now, I’m not sure we can
give him.
The reality of that is hard. We’ve felt that we give him something that
nothing else can over the years. In all honesty, we probably do. However,
there are times in our lives when what we need changes. Garth is at one of
those crossroads.
Garth has always been an all or nothing man. I wish I could shake and rattle
his brain and get through to him that we don’t have to have all or nothing.
But, we do have to have his happiness. He will not be comfortable doing a
weekend show here or there. He won’t be comfortable doing music half way.
Granted, we’d take it anyway we could get it. Garth, well, he loves the
music and us enough, that that is not good enough for him. If he can’t give
us his all, then he has a struggle to face in his heart and in his head.
I have the utmost faith that Garth is not just going to disappear. He wants
to write. He still wants the music to be a part of his life. He just can no
longer take the time away from his family that touring gives to us.
Selfishly, none of us can deny that we never wanted to hear the words "no
more touring" come from Garth’s mouth. We lived for those days that tickets
went on sale. We lived for those nights Garth shared his playground with us.
We lived for the weekends spent away from reality of home and life with our
friends. We lived for that interaction that we shared with the wild man on
stage.
Garth said that "God never gives you more than you can handle and thank God
He doesn’t think he can handle much." I think we all need to focus on that
faith and take that statement to heart. This time in Garth’s life and this
time in our life as fans is just another stepping stone on this ride we’re
on.
Listening to Garth talk about us had me in tears. His relationship with us
and how much he treasured that melted my heart. It filled me up to hear him
talk about passing that onto his girls. But, what made me more proud was him
talking about right now, he needed to be with his family more. Garth,
finally, for the first time in a long time, knows where his heart needs to
be. More importantly, he’s willing to do what he needs to do to be there.
None of us know what the future holds. Will Garth be able to live with this
decision? Can he truly give this way of life up? Can he honestly cut his
ties, walk away and one day triumphantly return? The crazy thing is the
answer is "yes" to all those questions. Garth will always be doing
something. Garth needs to find a balance and when he does, he will
find a way to not only be complete and whole but to find true happiness.
When he finds that balance in his life and realizes his happiness has been
there within himself all along, then, he will be able to move forward.
I have listened to this press conference probably over a dozen times now.
Every time I listen I find myself relating to Garth more and more. I’ve done
a lot of thinking this past week. There’s been many times over the past
decade that I’ve put my family first and I’ve not done what Teresa wants to
do but what Teresa needs to do. That has not ever been easy for me. I am no
saint. There have been times when I’ve went ahead and done
what I wanted and the end result has not brought me the joy it could have
because I put myself before my girls. I have considered long and hard the
times, though very few, that I left my girls behind to travel to a concert.
I thought about the disappointment on their faces that they couldn’t go along
or the hurt because I was not going to be here to tuck
them into bed at night.
It was always easy to rationalize for Garth. He had Sandy and the girls
traveling with him. He could fly anywhere anytime in a matter of hours.
They shared the family bus on tour so they could have more time with each
other. He didn’t have to "work". He could be at home whenever he wanted. It
wasn’t like he had a real job. Truth be known, Garth saw
less of his family than the Dad who works a steady job and overtime each
week. I found myself many times wondering how many nights he missed putting
the girls to bed. How many nights was he on stage playing to us instead of
reading a bedtime story and saying bedtime prayers? How many wet kisses on
his cheek did he miss? How many nightmares
did he scare away? Looking back, I had to admit selfishly, it was worth it
at the time. Looking at today, I had to admit, nothing was worth the time
that he’s lost.
I hate when I’m not here to kiss my girls goodnight. I don’t like not being
here when they wake up each morning. I don’t like missing a ballgame or a
class play. I’m at the school so much people think I work there. We’re
blessed in the fact that we’re the house kids love to come to. It’s nothing
unusual to have a sleepover every weekend or kids coming to talk to me at the
football games or at class parties. The girls have company and I’m up at
three in the morning watching movies with them and talking about "girl
stuff." My girls and their friends can and do talk to me about anything.
That all comes from being here for them. That is a trust that does not come
from being an absent parent.
As I kept listening to Garth talk about his girls, I knew one thing for
certain. I hope and pray to God that is the kind of relationship he has with
his girls. There’s a satisfaction that comes from that, that nothing else
can replace. Not even the music. I think Garth has finally accepted that in
his heart.
I was so proud to hear Garth talk about the people, his people. Just typing
that makes me smile. We are "his" people. He has a part of us that he
carries inside his heart for always. Just like we carry him in ours. Nothing
will be able to take that away. Not time, not distance, not being off the
road. Garth has touched something in us that is beyond description. Somehow
that man found the key to open a collective bunch of hearts and the key was
the music. I don’t think any of us have any intention of ever changing the
locks.
When the reporter asked Garth about his bond with the people and how he was
going to live without that bond, my heart broke. How would he live without
it? How would we? But, just as Garth began to talk about how the people seek
him out and take care of him a tear ran down my face. Garth found in us for
many years the strength he needed. Today, Garth is finding that strength in
his girls. Not one part of me can begrudge the man that feeling.
Garth talked about watching Taylor play soccer and how he felt sitting there
watching her. He realized how good it felt to just be there. Not just in
body ready to rush off to do something else but in mind and heart. I found
myself thinking back to softball season and Kayla struggling to get a hit.
My heart would sink each time my child went up to bat. I saw her fear of
failing. I saw her frustration. I watched in silence as she’d bite back the
tears every time she struck out. I sat through every game just praying that
it would hurry up and end.
One day, Kayla discovered while goofing off on the practice field that she
could not only hit left handed, but she could really knock the heck out of
the ball. At the next game I sat with my fingers crossed and saying a prayer
when she went up to bat. People were looking at me asking why she was on the
wrong side of the box. I just shook my head and called out to her, "come on
baby, you CAN do this." The first ball pitched met her bat with a resounding
thud and off it went flying into left field. My girl ran the bases for the
first time in two years. I can tell you right now, if Garth Brooks felt
anything like I felt at that moment watching the smile on my daughters face,
when he watched Taylor play soccer...well, I don’t care if the man ever tours
again. Because nothing can replace what you feel when your child knows you
believe in them and that you are there for them.
Garth’s announcement about retiring has left me feeling a lot of different
emotions. Jason looked at me a few days ago and says, "I got something to
say to you." I’ve been just a tad grumpy lately. Okay, I’ve been a class A
um....witch...the past two weeks. So, I was really expecting him to come
down on me about my attitude. Instead, he starts telling me that he doesn’t
really understand me (big surprise!) but that he is trying and that he knows
I’m feeling a lot of disappointment, fear, hurt, uncertainty right now. He
looks at me and he pegged my big rear end to the wall. He says, "you are very
much unsettled and not at peace."
After I glared a hole through him that would have killed a lesser man and
thanked him for that stunning assessment of my life. I also broke down
crying. I finally let the frustration and disappointment of the past two
weeks go. He was right. I was feeling all those things. I am disappointed.
I wanted this to go on forever. I wanted to be ninety and in a wheel
chair getting pushed up to the stage to see Garth and James Garver leaning on
their walking canes singing "Friends In Low Places." I was scared. I
wondered what in the world I was going to do with myself from now on. Garth
is what I’ve "done" for years now. I wasn’t sure I knew how to do anything
else. I was hurt. I didn’t want to let go of all the things that the music
brings to my life. I didn’t want to give those things up. I was uncertain.
What would happen now? Will I ever see Garth again? What about all the
friends I’ve been blessed to have come into my life because of the music?
When and how would we all see each other from now on?
My husband who I do credit for having the patience of a saint, had in one
sentence summed up what I was feeling and just couldn’t say. I was
"unsettled and not at peace." After thinking awhile, I realized that he was
only halfway right. I was extremely unsettled. Though nothing had really
changed, things felt different. Garth hasn’t been on the road in some time
now. I’ve went as much as a year in between times seeing Garth before. The
only thing different was the perspective of it all. I finally after a good
long cry came to accept that I was indeed at peace...still unsettled but at
peace.
Garth was finally where his heart is. Be it with the people, us, his people,
or at home with his girls, it doesn’t really matter. Be it making music or
writing songs. Be it watching soccer games or tucking his girls in at night.
What mattered was that he'd finally found his happiness...where the heart
is.
What mattered is that I have been given a gift from God. I have lived a life
blessed by friendships that are worth more than gold. I have lived a life
that has allowed me to sit and type out my thoughts and feelings to all of
you. I have lived a life that has took this simple country girl to places I
would have probably never gone. I have lived a life that has taught me to
dream and to go in search of those dreams. I have been given a second
chance because of the simple lyrics of a song. I have been given countless
moments and opportunities that I will never take for granted. I have been
given hugs, kisses, loving advice and genuine concern. I have been given
time. That one thing that matters most in the end.
I was given the time, the friendship and the music of a man who I will
forever be in debt to. Nothing can take the place of, nor can nothing erase
the past ten years of my life. The greatest gift of all I can now give back
to him. I can give him a smile, a thank you, and a fond reminder that the
door to my heart is always open. I don’t regret the pain that I
admit to feeling right now. Because if not for this dance...this precious
dance...I’d not have the pain at all. And, like Garth says, "I wouldn’t
have missed this dance for anything in the world."
So Garth, listen up. You take all them tubes of Super Glue that I’ve given
you and you put them to good use. What started out as a joke seems so serious
to me now. Intended to remind him to stay home every once in awhile so I
could catch him there turned into a pleasant reminder of get your priorities
straight and take care of home. Over time, they became a plea, find your
heart and you’ll be where you belong. Today, I know that Garth took that
Super Glue more seriously than I thought. Not the glue so much as the concept
of it. I am so proud of him for that.
Garth is where his heart is...
Be happy. We love you Garth. I’m so glad you finally found your happiness.
Thanks for one beautiful sweet dance.
Teresa Morris
