November 19, 1999
Before I begin, I want to thank the writers of the following tabloids.
<gag,
cough, choke, sputter> The Star, The National Enquirer, and the National
Examiner have all published articles lately that have inspired me to write
this totally unbiased, completely unfounded, honestly unreliable, amazingly
full of bull piece of crap. For their fine example of up to date photos,
information we could not live without, and accusations and innuendo...I think
its time to set the record straight. (As straight as my walk down the low
road will take me that is.) Sorry...the high road may have its merits, but
this time, the lower the better. I can dish dirt with the best of them and
have NO problem getting my hands dirty.
Garth trigger something? Yep...he did. He triggered an obsession in Mango!
Yep, you heard it LIVE Saturday night on television so it must be true!
Course, it wasn't actually Garth who triggered Mango's fantasies. It was
Chris Gaines! Mango MUST have Chris! Chris don't want Mango. Garth MUST have
Mango! Mango don't want Garth. What a tangled web they weave. How sad...
Now at least though, we know the REAL reason for this Chris Gaines thing.
Garth did it all to get Mango. The movie, the soundtrack, the new band, the
wig, the flavor (um...nevermind!) that caterpillar under his lip. That
singing in a different tone, those tights (WOOHOO!), those naughty album
covers. The whole persona of Chris Gaines was created as a sneaky way to
seduce Mango! What a plot. What a compelling manner to coerce someone. Just
change your whole personality.
So, after all that worry, now we know the truth. It wasn't really a mid-life
crisis. It wasn't a sinister plot to try to move from Country Music to
Pop-Rock Music. It wasn't a walk into insanity. It was just a desperate ploy
to get the attention of Mango who spurned Garth's advances on national
television. I mean, come on now, what a blow to the ego that had to be. Garth
HAD to do something to prove his manhood. And, Mango went wild over Chris
Gaines so it was not in vain! Well, at least not till Mango found out that
underneath all that hair...was Garth.
A shocker? Garth walkin out. Yeah, he walks out to the barn. He walks to
take out the trash. (Hum, I can think of some trash he needs to kick to the
curb.) He walks with Sandy when he can to take the girls to school. He walks
to the truck. I know you won't believe it. But, I even heard through a close
source that he walks the streets of New York City! Now, THAT is shocking!
Obsessed? Who? Garth? Who would have ever thought a man like Garth would have
obsessions? A close friend of the family has reported that he has sent a
postcard to someone telling them where he thinks they should go visit. <wink
wink> The postcard even showed a very personal side, a side of the person
that when Garth saw it, it reminded him of the person so he just had to take
a minute to say "thinking of you!"
He's even went as far as to tape a personal recorded message telling the
person they need to go up north. The undisclosed source who only commented to
make a quick buck would not state the reason why the person was told to go
north but swore it had something to do with a certain amount of stubbornness
and another underhanded plot (this man is sneaky) to break the vows to never
travel Northward. He undoubtedly realized that only HIS charms and HIS orders
to come north, would be the catalyst to make the person admit defeat and pack
the bags.
To further complicate matters it is rumored that after the spouse of the
person for whom the highly personal message was recorded overheard the
message being played in a four-way long distance conversation, (sounds kinda
kinky), actions are being taken to insure that what Garth wants...Garth gets.
The weary, overworked, underpaid, and highly understanding spouse merely hung
up the phone and, knowing with Garth now summoning said; "So, when you
leaving and how much money you need?"
The person is said to have items displaying obvious affection for Garth in
plain view in the home, a spectacular display of obsession. They are there
for anyone to see and there is no attempt to hide the admiration for Garth.
Of course, the person and spouse remain very close and they are reportedly
still very much in love. The separations give the spouse plenty of time to
stew about Garth. Yet, it also gives the spouse a break and time to actually
use their home computer. The spouse claims that the rumors of moving into
the tractor shed which is located .077 miles from their home is utterly
ridiculous and that any moving that would be done would be into the storage
shed, located a mere .07 miles from the home!
Garth moves? Yeah....it's like his walking. He moves to Los Angeles, to New
York, to Denver, to Goodlettsville, to Oklahoma. I've heard he's been spotted
as far away as Canada, Ireland, Germany, and Brazil. When at home, he's been
known to move from the hay field to the barn, down the hill to Kmart, Tractor
Supply and Home Depot, and even into <gasps in horror> downtown Nashville!
Poor Sandy. She doesn't know who she lives with anymore. Garth or Chris? The
rumors are rampant says a source close to the Nashville scene that Chris has
been spotted sneaking into the couple's sparsely furnished doublewide trailer
that they lived in almost 10 years ago while Sandy was having pregnancy
complications with their first child, Taylor.
The mansion (house on the hill) was being remodeled at the time or so the
papers claimed. Closer to the truth is the fact that Garth really was
experiencing wild mood swings at the time and Sandy would not tolerate the
fact that he wanted her to play pretend and dress up like a blue Smurfette.
This lead to the disagreement over painting the whole mansion (house on the
hill) blue and the reason for a millionaire moving his pregnant wife into a
lowly doublewide trailer.
A barn, a huge, big a$$ barn has been stolen! Mysteriously disappeared. A
photo recently showed its absence from the Brooks' family property in
Goodlettsville, Tennessee. Aliens reportedly flew down and took it after it
was reported by the National Defense Department of the United States that
high frequency sounds coming from the barn were interfering with the UFO's
tracking abilities. The high pitched sounds were actually Chris Gaines
practicing his singing.
Even more shocking is the photo that recently appeared showing Sandy with a
long curly perm! This is especially shocking since she was spotted as
recently as a month ago around home with a new pretty short haircut. She has
either the fastest growing hair known in the world OR she has followed
Garth's lead and started wearing a wig!
Sandy must see this as a last ditch effort to win back the attentions of her
man from that scheming Mango character! After Garth becoming Chris Gaines,
triggering this and that, walking here and there, moving around first this
place, then that, and above all else, trying to seduce Mango on late night
television, she is no doubt glad to have the workaholic, fanatical, obsessed,
mid life crisis experiencing man out of hair.
That family has problems! It's not so much that they have a problem figuring
out who wears the pants in the family. Their problem is even deeper than
that! They cannot decide who is going to wear the wig!
Again I wish to recognize the ragazines for their continued efforts to expand
the world's views into the Brooks family's private lives and for their
tremendous efforts to make a buck at the expense of someone else's feelings.
I have only one other thing to say.
They can just "BITE ME!"
Teresa Morris
